c'mon karma, didn't you know I was kidding?

yesterday I told karma to suck it. probably a bad idea.

today i kind of want to rub karma with sandpaper and then dunk it in salt-water. the stingy kind. i want to make karma pay.

last night i had a miscarriage. the reason my brain has been dead the past couple weeks? i was pregnant. only 3 weeks along, and still totally freaked out/not sure what i was going to do/feeling like crap pregnant, but still. karma didn't have to come and take my baby away. it could have let me decide for myself what i wanted, couldn't it?

backstory: three weeks ago i took Plan B. two days ago (monday) I went in to get an IUD inserted, and they told me I was pregnant. Shock and crying and excitement and every other freaking emotion followed. last night, after a lovely dinner of spaghetti carbonara and roma tomato/basil/mozzarella salad, i started bleeding. lots and lots of heavy bleeding for a couple of hours. lots and lots of heavy crying as well. went in to the doctor today - and i'm not pregnant anymore.

my doctor told me that Plan B works by keeping you from ovulating, and it does this by giving you a million times the hormones you usually have. It says that it doesn't harm the embryo/fetus/whatever if ovulation does occur - and many women go on to have perfectly normal pregnancies.

however, my doctor said that what it does do is make it very, very hard for the embryo to implant. sometimes you still get a positive pregnancy test, if the embryo implants partway, or just hangs out really close to your uterine wall. then you still produce the HGC pregnancy hormone and your test is positive. she believes that was the case with me.

it was a relief to hear that she didn't think it had anything to do with my fertility, or anything that I had done 'wrong', and i feel better today than I did last night. i think i'm in the numb stage of grief? denial? i'm definitely not angry, just kind of floaty, and sad, and wondering why the hell so many crazy things have been happening lately.

i also don't really know who to tell, or what to tell them. i feel like 3 weeks pregnant shouldn't be that big of a deal, and I didn't even know if i wanted it anyway. but to have it taken away is just kind of....hard. and i don't know how well i can really function at work, and at school, and at my other side job, and my internship right now. it's all a little bit much to handle.

guess you shouldn't fuck with karma.

my brain is dead.

not sure what killed it. or maybe i'm not telling. at any rate, all of my attempts to be productive at work today have been thwarted by my stupid, tired brain, and multiple distractions.

IM is one, twitter another, and google reader? let's not even talk about it. so what's a girl to do? my solution is to use the old 'looking busy' trick. make sure to have an excel spreadsheet or two up, and every time my boss walks by I put on my best stressed out face. I doubt it's working, but oh well. I can't be awesome every day.

also, i would KILL for a diet coke right now. or a cup of coffee. or six. i'm just saying, i'm a little bit crazy tired.

on a lighter note, in a few hours (when they set me free of this place) I get to go to a twins game! I don't even know who they're playing, because I'm lame like that, but it will be fun. I love baseball games. actually, I love most live sporting events. the crowds, the food, the action - it's all good. except football, that's just dumb.

let's talk about karma, shall we?

today I have gotten not one, not two, but six calls from people that want to interview me. this comes after spending months and months and months sending out resumes and never really hearing back - but today they all call. it's crazy!

i'm hoping that this is good karma, but when you think about it - karma chooses the day my brain dies to have everyone call me? so as I stutter along and try to remember my own name i really start to wonder if karma is less like my best friend, and more like that girl in high school that smiled and nodded as she texted all her friends about how stupid you are. i'm just saying.

ok, my boss just totally caught me blogging. it's official - karma hates me.


suck it, karma.

my once a year update.

Would you believe that every single day I begin a new post on here? And every single day it gets put off, just like emailing everyone back, exercising, cleaning my floors, brushing the cat, and plucking my eyebrows. Push, push, push - down the list - until the weekend when I have enough time to breathe and start to actually sort through that damn list.

So this morning I woke up at 7:30 am (on a Saturday!) and have been cleaning, doing laundry, brushing the damn cat (got out all the mats though!), and soon I will pluck my eyebrows...

This week has been filled with whole-body exhaustion. I'm not sure if it's emotional, and my overwhelmed feelings are creating the same sensation in my body, or if I'm coming down with something for reals, and my body is screaming for me to "lay the fuck down, already!". In any case, I took on an 8-hour shift today at my new side job, so the laying/listening to my body will have to wait until tomorrow. Go me!

This is what I have on my plate right now:
- Full time job
- Part time school
- Internship, one day a week, with added homework
- Side job (waitressing for a caterer) - varies

I think that's it. Doesn't leave much room for sleeping, cleaning, or doing any of the things that I enjoy doing, like cooking, playing with bean, and going out with friends. But hey, there's always time for that stuff, right? (sigh)

I almost quit my job this week. My boss pushed me to the edge of what I can actually take from another human being (I had to leave for almost an hour to collect myself), and I was all determined to get the fuck out. But then I got scared, because let's face it - the economy sucks, and who knows how long it would be before I could find another job? So I guess I'm stuck there for now...However, my new plan is to document each and every instance that I find unacceptable (swearing, in-my-face yelling, sexual comments, etc) - and copy the 'manager' in the office. That way, if I do find myself needing to quit - maybe I can make a case for unemployment? Who knows.

Saw the X-files movie last night! I don't know if I've posted this before, but I own every season of the x-files, and my senior year college roomie and I watched every episode, in order, in about 6 months. Even though the reviews weren't great - I liked it! I think I'd like anything x-files related, but it was so fun to see some new stuff, and it was a crazy/gross story, so that was fun. Later, the boy went and saw Dark Knight with some friends, I really wanted to go, but the exhaustion got the better of me and I came home and went to bed. Lame-o, I know.

Ok, that's all I've got. I'm tired, kids - but rallying. This Saturday morning promises to help me get back on track!

the weekend.

Friday:

Worked all day, then headed out to here:



for dinner. Heard good things about it, and had even tried some takeout at my internship, but I was excited to see the place in person. The food was good good good - we ordered barbecued beef, corn muffins, yucca (sp?) fries, red beans and yellow rice, creamed spinach, and sweet tea. Yummy!

This guy brought me there:



He was a bit happier when the camera wasn't on him.

Saturday:

Got up, tagged along to a haircut with the boy, stopping to shop at my favorite store. After that, went to Ikea and got this stuff:


(don't mind the mess, I'm just keeping it real)

Then to the MOA to get this stuff:





I needed the running shoes because my toes kept going numb in the one's that I have, and it was buy one get one free! Who can resist a cute pair of black heels? I am wearing them today, and so far, very comfortable! Which is always good, but not a dealbreaker, considering the many, many scars I have on my feet from all of my not-so-comfortable shoes.

Saturday night:

Got home and put all of the new Ikea bedding on my bed:



which was very comfy. (I got new sheets, two new pillows, a new comforter, and a new mattress pad)

Played with Bean:



(That bunny slipper is one of a pair that was given to me for Easter. He chewed the first one to bits the first night - but still likes to attack the remaining one)

Sunday morning:

Bean approves the new bedding:



Spent most of Sunday running errands (cleaning, groceries, drugstore). Then headed up to my grandparent's place, where they cooked steaks, potatoes, and we had fruit salad. My grandpa is so cute, because his entire life my grandma cooked everything for him, but now that he has to cook he is so proud of himself! He did a good job too.

Today:

Had a slim fast for b-fast, and having a huge salad with leftover steak on it for lunch. Work is so empty with everyone gone/leaving, but there's plenty to do. I also bought some new plants for my desk at Ikea, but I didn't have a picture. They are cute and small.

So that was my weekend - how was yours?

Wow, 5 days since my last post. Sorry kids, life's been way too busy.

Started a 'fast' yesterday. I put it in quotes because it's not a true fast - I'm still eating, just very restricted. Can of Progresso light soup for lunch and dinner, fresh veggies and fruits, and tea, diet soda, water, coffee. Oh, and sugar-free jello and popsicles. I didn't do so great yesterday - had some hummus and a tiny meal of real food for dinner instead of soup - but today I've only had carrots and jello. I'm really looking forward to some soup!

Don't ask me why I'm doing this fast. I'm just fed up with not losing (and in fact gaining) weight. I've been trying to stay under 1500 calories a day for months now, and working out 3+ times a week, and have seen little to no results. So I'm trying this to see if I can get a 'jump start', and if not I'm going to go to the doctor to get a couple things checked out. So there you go.

Not eating does make me a little bit crabby, however, and makes it hard to concentrate. I also got less than 6 hours of sleep last night - so pray for those around me. ;)

In other news: I started my 3-month internship with the font designer, Chank Diesel. We're working on a free font called Eat Street right now, and after that is done I get to concept and design my own font! This whole thing is really exciting for me, it's a whole new area of design that I never really thought about, and while it's not really lucrative (since most fonts are free or pirated nowadays), it does get me thinking, and inspires me in other areas of design - design should be fun! It's nice to be reminded of that.



Let's see, what else? I went on a date last night, with a guy we'll nickname 'the vegan'. Because he's (surprise!) vegan. He also rides a bike everywhere. Which is really intimidating to me, the girl who eats like crap and drives everywhere in her crappy beat-up corsica...but it was a nice date nonetheless. He was cute, fun, polite, smart - really meets all my prereqs as far as first dates go. Biggest drawback? He's married - and in an open relationship. Which isn't a big deal to me at this point (I'm down with the polyamory thing, and always have been), but it's hard when it's someone that I could potentially really like - to know that it's never going to really go anywhere. So then I wonder, what's the point? But I"m keeping it light and fun for now - just seeing where it's going.

(I totally have this t-shirt)

Also, I'm tempted to post a cuter semi-decent picture of me after that monstrosity below, so here you go:



That's me having a little too much fun at my friend's bachelorette party this weekend. There was pole dancing flailing, club-hopping, and much drinking.

That's it! Hopefully more posts coming up this week.

in a rut.

Sorry for the lack of blog posts. it's because I currently look like this:

i promise that as soon as I can get my head to stop swirling (and get that freaking scary double triple chin to go away) I will be posting more.

To give you an idea of what my brain is like lately: I woke up at 4:30 this morning, and in order to go back to sleep I made a list over 30 items long of everything that I was worrying about. Go me. Things on that list include:

• Work harder at work to prove to my boss that I'm a good employee so that I don't lose my job.
• Figure out what is giving me constant daily migraines.
• Work out more.
• Eat less.
• Clean my house/buy groceries/clean the catbox/brush my cat/etc. and so on.
• Figure out how to cram two interships into my already busy schedule.
• But my friend a shower present/attend said shower without embarrassing her or myself (she's very religious - ack!)
• A bunch of emails that I've been meaning to send but never have time.
• Get my computer fixed so that the delete key works all the time instead of some of the time.
  

Ok, blogging was also on that list - but I guess this counts as a post. One thing to cross off!

'what's up with that?' Wednesdays.

People that drive through a 4-way stop without waiting their turn - what's up with that? They can't wait the 6 seconds it would take for the next two cars to go? They think they're much more important than me, patiently waiting my turn? People like that just like to feel important, and do it by taking turns that aren't theirs (this includes you - people who run red lights). Don't get me wrong, I'll speed up for a yellow light - but I do not blatantly take things that are not mine - not even turns.

The dead-animal smell in my work parking garage. It comes around every summer (3 so far), and seriously smells rotten - I know you know what smell I'm talking about. Now, if it was just a rat or something, that thing would have been a skeleton years ago. So it's either lots and lots and lots of dead rats - or there's a Minneapolis serial killer hiding dead bodies in my parking garage. Or one large dead elephant.

The fact that I only get checked out by anyone when I'm impaired in some way (drunk, even sick). What am I doing in my normal state that I'm not doing in a loopy state, or vice versa? I must look really angry most of the time or something. Or guys like girls with vacant stares that stumble. That must be it.

Ok, that's all I have for this inaugural 'what's up with that?' Wednesday. Goodnight all.

receptionist woes.

Today my boss asks me for directions. Ok -- Google Maps baby, I'm on it. 5 seconds later, he's standing in front of my desk - 'Where are those directions?'.

Umm..I haven't really even opened the browser yet...

Needless to say, I brought them up, rattled off the directions at top speed, and he was out the door.

I call after - 'Wait, can I print them out for you??'

His reply: 'No, I've got it'

................

Cut to 30 minutes later - my phone rings.

He starts screaming roads at me. How far is this place from 14? How long should I be on road X? Am I East or West of X? Why don't you know these things?!?! Rapid fire directions that mean nothing to me, as I frantically pull out the paper I printed up and bring up Google Maps again.

'Oh, you took a wrong turn at X, you've gone too far' - I say.

'Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck fuck - you suck at life' - paraphrase of what he said.

..........

These are the days I hate my job. I try and try to be good at this job, I really do. But I am not a human map. I am not a human calculator. I am not the human equivalent of the internet in a perfect world - with all of the information that you need less than .5 seconds away if you just yell. loud. enough. I'm sorry, I'm not.

I wish I had a thicker skin - so this stuff would just bounce off. But it's almost 11:00 and I'm still thinking about it. Oh well.

Another Bean picture will cheer me up!



Goodnight!

lakes, animals, and parents - oh my!

Whew! Crazy three-day weekend folks - here's the update:

I drove up 4 hours north to visit my parents on Friday - stopping to visit the grandparents on the way. The drive was pretty uneventful, except for Bean frantically meowing most of the way, and jumping around the car. (I try to keep him in his carrier, but i'm weak he gets upset)

The fourth was filled with fireworks, flowers and lakes:


(the fireworks in our driveway - impressive!)


(a pretty flower from my step-mother's garden)


(the lake - I was on a boat, it was fun)

Along with some pretty fun antics from the animals. My parents have a dog named Chester, and being a border collie - he is very, very....animated. (lots of energy) Anyway, he doesn't have much experience with cats, and let's just say he was pretty obsessed interested.

Bean doesn't have much experience with dogs either, except when he was
a tiny, baby kitten:



So it was fun to watch them interact.





Also, here are some gratuitous shots of Bean, hanging out (outside!) on his leash. He felt like king of the jungle. Even though deep down, he's really a city kitty. He was so happy to get back home to a.c. and cable, he could hardly contain himself. (his favorite show is Deadliest Catch, btw)


(here he is showing classic Bean attitude - with the tongue out "I am better than you" look)


(here he's just a "cool cat")

I got home and my stupid air conditioner was broken - so I'm currently staying at the boy's place while he's away. All week! I'm feeling pretty lonely, but hopefully softball tonight will cheer me up.

letters from my grandfather. part one.

received July 2nd, 2008.

(text - in case you can't see the picture)

HOWARD F. JOHNSON
LT. (J.G.) US NAVY
WORLD WAR II
APRIL 30, 1921
______, _______

Sarah: This is the way my tombstone should read. I'm sending this to you because you'll probably be the one who will get it done. I don't plan to leave soon but who knows?

Love,
Grandpa.

This is one example of the letters that I get on a monthly basis from my grandfather. It's tough to deal with him sometimes. He's getting old (87 last month), and he's very negative most of the time. Our conversations revolve around his death, his childrens' death, what has gone wrong in (insert family member's name here)'s life, etc.

This letter struck me as funny on my first read, but I guess maybe it's a little depressing. It's just so strange for me to think about writing about death so matter-of-factly. Like, hey honey - here's my tombstone - thanks for taking care of it. As simple as picking up dinner from a drive-through.

I have a lot more of these letters, so maybe i'll make this a regular feature. and i'll file this away for 'someday'.

bitch-face.

i'm trying something new. i don't know what to call it. something like 'bitch on wheels', 'girl with a devil-may-care attitude' - along those lines anyway.

i am sick and tired of caring so much about what other people think! i spend probably 95% of my life, my time, worrying about what my parents think, what my grandparents think, what my boss thinks, what my coworkers think, what my boyfriend thinks, what my friends think. and you know what? it's exhausting.

i figure that the amount of time that all of those people spend worrying about how i feel? i would guess less than 0.1%. not that any of them are bad people - they're really not - i just think that i spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about what other people want/need/feel - and i tend to attract people that like that in other people. (i think that makes sense)

i don't think that i've always been this way. i used to not care/think about other people much. i was a huge bitch in high school - in the sense that everyone knew my name and what i was about. but me? totally oblivious. i see people from high school all the time these days, and it's not like i just don't remember their names - i never knew them. that makes me feel bad. but not anymore!

so yeah, a new me? maybe. like i said, i'm just tired of being tired. tired of being sad and feeling lonely. so it seems i need to restructure my thinking. i'll keep you posted.

in other news: new header coming tonight! it fits the theme of telling a random fact about me. happy july 1st everyone you.


rawr. the new (fierce) me. well, that's actually an old picture - but you 'get the picture'.