July 31, 2008

c'mon karma, didn't you know I was kidding?

yesterday I told karma to suck it. probably a bad idea.

today i kind of want to rub karma with sandpaper and then dunk it in salt-water. the stingy kind. i want to make karma pay.

last night i had a miscarriage. the reason my brain has been dead the past couple weeks? i was pregnant. only 3 weeks along, and still totally freaked out/not sure what i was going to do/feeling like crap pregnant, but still. karma didn't have to come and take my baby away. it could have let me decide for myself what i wanted, couldn't it?

backstory: three weeks ago i took Plan B. two days ago (monday) I went in to get an IUD inserted, and they told me I was pregnant. Shock and crying and excitement and every other freaking emotion followed. last night, after a lovely dinner of spaghetti carbonara and roma tomato/basil/mozzarella salad, i started bleeding. lots and lots of heavy bleeding for a couple of hours. lots and lots of heavy crying as well. went in to the doctor today - and i'm not pregnant anymore.

my doctor told me that Plan B works by keeping you from ovulating, and it does this by giving you a million times the hormones you usually have. It says that it doesn't harm the embryo/fetus/whatever if ovulation does occur - and many women go on to have perfectly normal pregnancies.

however, my doctor said that what it does do is make it very, very hard for the embryo to implant. sometimes you still get a positive pregnancy test, if the embryo implants partway, or just hangs out really close to your uterine wall. then you still produce the HGC pregnancy hormone and your test is positive. she believes that was the case with me.

it was a relief to hear that she didn't think it had anything to do with my fertility, or anything that I had done 'wrong', and i feel better today than I did last night. i think i'm in the numb stage of grief? denial? i'm definitely not angry, just kind of floaty, and sad, and wondering why the hell so many crazy things have been happening lately.

i also don't really know who to tell, or what to tell them. i feel like 3 weeks pregnant shouldn't be that big of a deal, and I didn't even know if i wanted it anyway. but to have it taken away is just kind of....hard. and i don't know how well i can really function at work, and at school, and at my other side job, and my internship right now. it's all a little bit much to handle.

guess you shouldn't fuck with karma.

No comments: