now with more cleaning power!

i'm back!

i've decided not to be sorry about not posting for....well, about a month. this is my blog, dangit, and hardly anyone reads it anyway - but I spend so much time hemming and hawing over what to write, and if what i write will come back to bit me in the ass butt later in life, and if what i'm writing is funny or witty - it really ruins the whole point! i started this blog to get my thoughts and feelings down and out (down onto something and out of me, that is), and i need to start doing just that.

so if you are annoyed that i never post - tough. and if you're someone later in life that's trying to dig up some dirt on me so you can not hire me/fire me/ laugh at me - suck it.

onward and upward!

good news:

i got a new job (it's awesome), a new haircut (pretty cute), i'm no longer pregnant (good? i guess?), and i have some new things in my life that are making me happy.

1. a roomba! i love this little guy. he runs all around my house, making noise and bumping into things, but when he's done it's clean! Also, Bean follows him around like a best friend. not only does he clean - he plays with the cat! seriously folks, i love this thing. I've also noticed Mr. Roomba encourages me to be more productive. He's like "Hey you, i'm running around this place cleaning up your $h!# right now - why don't you get off your fat ass lazy bum and put away the laundry/do the dishes/write a blog post? you know, since i'm cleaning anyway." it's brilliant - I feel like i'm multitasking.

2. a nintendo DS. I have a cooking game, zelda, a mystery game, a medical game - everything i could ever want! I don't have nearly enough time to play this thing, but it was the best b-day present ever (from the boy). good for relaxing (or as close as I ever come to relaxing).

3. a flatiron. who knew that these things could make my hair cute? i certainly didn't. i'm in love.

4. various household organizers. i started this "organizing my life" process about a week ago, and got something to organize my makeup/jewelry/endless bobby pins, and a bunch of other stuff. next - shoes! I'm thinking something like this, but cheaper. ideas?

in other news:

i've gained about 10 pounds, but i'm giving myself a break. my clothes still fit, and as soon as I have more time i will start working out again. also, i think i'm dropping out of school. it's too much work right now with the new job and some other freelance work I'm doing, and the teachers this semester kinda suck. maybe i'll go back next year? but hey! more time to take a yoga class (or a pole-dancing one).

on the emotional front:

i'm still pretty shaken up about this whole past month. a lot of changes are taking place, and i'm having to make a lot of grown up decisions, which is always scary.

i just recently realized that my whole life i've been convinced that being happy will bring about disaster. like, if i just relax and breathe and believe/feel/know that everything is ok - someone will die, or my apartment will burn down, or something. going through life always expecting the worst isn't really all that fun (i'm realizing). it's also going to be a hard mental block/emotion/belief to overcome - because risking feeling 'safe' means that i'm tempting fate, and the entire belief structure that i've known for 24 years. anyway, it's hard to explain, but i'm working through it which i think is good...

ok, Mr. Roomba and me I are tired. time for some sleep...


gratuitous (old) picture of Bean. i keep it on my desk and smile every time i see it.

c'mon karma, didn't you know I was kidding?

yesterday I told karma to suck it. probably a bad idea.

today i kind of want to rub karma with sandpaper and then dunk it in salt-water. the stingy kind. i want to make karma pay.

last night i had a miscarriage. the reason my brain has been dead the past couple weeks? i was pregnant. only 3 weeks along, and still totally freaked out/not sure what i was going to do/feeling like crap pregnant, but still. karma didn't have to come and take my baby away. it could have let me decide for myself what i wanted, couldn't it?

backstory: three weeks ago i took Plan B. two days ago (monday) I went in to get an IUD inserted, and they told me I was pregnant. Shock and crying and excitement and every other freaking emotion followed. last night, after a lovely dinner of spaghetti carbonara and roma tomato/basil/mozzarella salad, i started bleeding. lots and lots of heavy bleeding for a couple of hours. lots and lots of heavy crying as well. went in to the doctor today - and i'm not pregnant anymore.

my doctor told me that Plan B works by keeping you from ovulating, and it does this by giving you a million times the hormones you usually have. It says that it doesn't harm the embryo/fetus/whatever if ovulation does occur - and many women go on to have perfectly normal pregnancies.

however, my doctor said that what it does do is make it very, very hard for the embryo to implant. sometimes you still get a positive pregnancy test, if the embryo implants partway, or just hangs out really close to your uterine wall. then you still produce the HGC pregnancy hormone and your test is positive. she believes that was the case with me.

it was a relief to hear that she didn't think it had anything to do with my fertility, or anything that I had done 'wrong', and i feel better today than I did last night. i think i'm in the numb stage of grief? denial? i'm definitely not angry, just kind of floaty, and sad, and wondering why the hell so many crazy things have been happening lately.

i also don't really know who to tell, or what to tell them. i feel like 3 weeks pregnant shouldn't be that big of a deal, and I didn't even know if i wanted it anyway. but to have it taken away is just kind of....hard. and i don't know how well i can really function at work, and at school, and at my other side job, and my internship right now. it's all a little bit much to handle.

guess you shouldn't fuck with karma.

my brain is dead.

not sure what killed it. or maybe i'm not telling. at any rate, all of my attempts to be productive at work today have been thwarted by my stupid, tired brain, and multiple distractions.

IM is one, twitter another, and google reader? let's not even talk about it. so what's a girl to do? my solution is to use the old 'looking busy' trick. make sure to have an excel spreadsheet or two up, and every time my boss walks by I put on my best stressed out face. I doubt it's working, but oh well. I can't be awesome every day.

also, i would KILL for a diet coke right now. or a cup of coffee. or six. i'm just saying, i'm a little bit crazy tired.

on a lighter note, in a few hours (when they set me free of this place) I get to go to a twins game! I don't even know who they're playing, because I'm lame like that, but it will be fun. I love baseball games. actually, I love most live sporting events. the crowds, the food, the action - it's all good. except football, that's just dumb.

let's talk about karma, shall we?

today I have gotten not one, not two, but six calls from people that want to interview me. this comes after spending months and months and months sending out resumes and never really hearing back - but today they all call. it's crazy!

i'm hoping that this is good karma, but when you think about it - karma chooses the day my brain dies to have everyone call me? so as I stutter along and try to remember my own name i really start to wonder if karma is less like my best friend, and more like that girl in high school that smiled and nodded as she texted all her friends about how stupid you are. i'm just saying.

ok, my boss just totally caught me blogging. it's official - karma hates me.


suck it, karma.

my once a year update.

Would you believe that every single day I begin a new post on here? And every single day it gets put off, just like emailing everyone back, exercising, cleaning my floors, brushing the cat, and plucking my eyebrows. Push, push, push - down the list - until the weekend when I have enough time to breathe and start to actually sort through that damn list.

So this morning I woke up at 7:30 am (on a Saturday!) and have been cleaning, doing laundry, brushing the damn cat (got out all the mats though!), and soon I will pluck my eyebrows...

This week has been filled with whole-body exhaustion. I'm not sure if it's emotional, and my overwhelmed feelings are creating the same sensation in my body, or if I'm coming down with something for reals, and my body is screaming for me to "lay the fuck down, already!". In any case, I took on an 8-hour shift today at my new side job, so the laying/listening to my body will have to wait until tomorrow. Go me!

This is what I have on my plate right now:
- Full time job
- Part time school
- Internship, one day a week, with added homework
- Side job (waitressing for a caterer) - varies

I think that's it. Doesn't leave much room for sleeping, cleaning, or doing any of the things that I enjoy doing, like cooking, playing with bean, and going out with friends. But hey, there's always time for that stuff, right? (sigh)

I almost quit my job this week. My boss pushed me to the edge of what I can actually take from another human being (I had to leave for almost an hour to collect myself), and I was all determined to get the fuck out. But then I got scared, because let's face it - the economy sucks, and who knows how long it would be before I could find another job? So I guess I'm stuck there for now...However, my new plan is to document each and every instance that I find unacceptable (swearing, in-my-face yelling, sexual comments, etc) - and copy the 'manager' in the office. That way, if I do find myself needing to quit - maybe I can make a case for unemployment? Who knows.

Saw the X-files movie last night! I don't know if I've posted this before, but I own every season of the x-files, and my senior year college roomie and I watched every episode, in order, in about 6 months. Even though the reviews weren't great - I liked it! I think I'd like anything x-files related, but it was so fun to see some new stuff, and it was a crazy/gross story, so that was fun. Later, the boy went and saw Dark Knight with some friends, I really wanted to go, but the exhaustion got the better of me and I came home and went to bed. Lame-o, I know.

Ok, that's all I've got. I'm tired, kids - but rallying. This Saturday morning promises to help me get back on track!

the weekend.

Friday:

Worked all day, then headed out to here:



for dinner. Heard good things about it, and had even tried some takeout at my internship, but I was excited to see the place in person. The food was good good good - we ordered barbecued beef, corn muffins, yucca (sp?) fries, red beans and yellow rice, creamed spinach, and sweet tea. Yummy!

This guy brought me there:



He was a bit happier when the camera wasn't on him.

Saturday:

Got up, tagged along to a haircut with the boy, stopping to shop at my favorite store. After that, went to Ikea and got this stuff:


(don't mind the mess, I'm just keeping it real)

Then to the MOA to get this stuff:





I needed the running shoes because my toes kept going numb in the one's that I have, and it was buy one get one free! Who can resist a cute pair of black heels? I am wearing them today, and so far, very comfortable! Which is always good, but not a dealbreaker, considering the many, many scars I have on my feet from all of my not-so-comfortable shoes.

Saturday night:

Got home and put all of the new Ikea bedding on my bed:



which was very comfy. (I got new sheets, two new pillows, a new comforter, and a new mattress pad)

Played with Bean:



(That bunny slipper is one of a pair that was given to me for Easter. He chewed the first one to bits the first night - but still likes to attack the remaining one)

Sunday morning:

Bean approves the new bedding:



Spent most of Sunday running errands (cleaning, groceries, drugstore). Then headed up to my grandparent's place, where they cooked steaks, potatoes, and we had fruit salad. My grandpa is so cute, because his entire life my grandma cooked everything for him, but now that he has to cook he is so proud of himself! He did a good job too.

Today:

Had a slim fast for b-fast, and having a huge salad with leftover steak on it for lunch. Work is so empty with everyone gone/leaving, but there's plenty to do. I also bought some new plants for my desk at Ikea, but I didn't have a picture. They are cute and small.

So that was my weekend - how was yours?