once a week blogger...

apparently i can only post once a week. oh well.

new bean pictures for you!
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do you see the cuteness?


either love-y or plotting....


love is.....a sink and a nap


"why'd you wake me up?"

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the job is still going well. so far no one seems to be disappointed in what i'm doing - and i've gotten compliments on some of my poster designs, so that's good! i've also acquired 4 free boxes of cereal in 7 work days. if this keeps up i may never eat anything else again!

I dress like this now: pretty fancy, eh?

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i feel like i'm in a whirlwind lately. i'm truly happy about my new job and everything else that's been happening - but every so often i get flashes of intense sadness. it's almost like homesickness, but i have no idea what i'm homesick for. i think it's just the uneasiness of everything changing all at once, and having nothing to grab onto. no safety blanket.

i need to go work out. but i always feel like sleep is more important....

i think i'm working too much - i work until 4:30 every day, and then come home and work on freelance work until i go to sleep. i haven't been seeing friends (except the boy), and i think it's wearing on me. i've found that no matter how many happy things are happening to you - they don't seem as happy when you have no one to celebrate them with. you know?

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ok, time to pack for the gym and try to get some sleep.

labor day weekend/updates

update:

i started my new job on monday, and so far i'm loving it. the people i work with are great, i get to design! things! all! day!, and my workplace is amazing. there's a caribou coffee, a d'amico and sons, a free fitness center, a huge cafeteria (with an amazing salad bar), a doctor/dentist on site...i could go on forever. it's a far cry from an office of 5, let me tell ya.

i'm still in the honeymoon phase, i know, and i know that i will be challenged with the work. it's mostly designing powerpoint presentations on demand, in front of people - so i've been trying to brush up on my powerpoint skills as fast as possible. the guys i work with have been great so far though. i also get a sweet 30" monitor, and a whole bunch of other cool stuff that i haven't even really delved into yet, like subscriptions to photo and animation sites, a dvd library of images and video, etc. etc.

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labor day weekend pics:

the boy and i went up to the north shore way back at the beginning of september, just a few miles south of grand marais. we got a cute little room, with a private deck overlooking the lake, and spent our time hiking, kayaking, eating, and smiling. so fun!
me, playing in a river near a waterfall


us, on a hike


us, with our coffee cups, on our private deck

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in other news:

bean is very happy these days. the boy and i gave him a bath the other day b/c he was getting a little stinky, and since then he's been all soft and shiny and happy. still bitey though. i keep threatening him with this:


hee hee!

now with more cleaning power!

i'm back!

i've decided not to be sorry about not posting for....well, about a month. this is my blog, dangit, and hardly anyone reads it anyway - but I spend so much time hemming and hawing over what to write, and if what i write will come back to bit me in the ass butt later in life, and if what i'm writing is funny or witty - it really ruins the whole point! i started this blog to get my thoughts and feelings down and out (down onto something and out of me, that is), and i need to start doing just that.

so if you are annoyed that i never post - tough. and if you're someone later in life that's trying to dig up some dirt on me so you can not hire me/fire me/ laugh at me - suck it.

onward and upward!

good news:

i got a new job (it's awesome), a new haircut (pretty cute), i'm no longer pregnant (good? i guess?), and i have some new things in my life that are making me happy.

1. a roomba! i love this little guy. he runs all around my house, making noise and bumping into things, but when he's done it's clean! Also, Bean follows him around like a best friend. not only does he clean - he plays with the cat! seriously folks, i love this thing. I've also noticed Mr. Roomba encourages me to be more productive. He's like "Hey you, i'm running around this place cleaning up your $h!# right now - why don't you get off your fat ass lazy bum and put away the laundry/do the dishes/write a blog post? you know, since i'm cleaning anyway." it's brilliant - I feel like i'm multitasking.

2. a nintendo DS. I have a cooking game, zelda, a mystery game, a medical game - everything i could ever want! I don't have nearly enough time to play this thing, but it was the best b-day present ever (from the boy). good for relaxing (or as close as I ever come to relaxing).

3. a flatiron. who knew that these things could make my hair cute? i certainly didn't. i'm in love.

4. various household organizers. i started this "organizing my life" process about a week ago, and got something to organize my makeup/jewelry/endless bobby pins, and a bunch of other stuff. next - shoes! I'm thinking something like this, but cheaper. ideas?

in other news:

i've gained about 10 pounds, but i'm giving myself a break. my clothes still fit, and as soon as I have more time i will start working out again. also, i think i'm dropping out of school. it's too much work right now with the new job and some other freelance work I'm doing, and the teachers this semester kinda suck. maybe i'll go back next year? but hey! more time to take a yoga class (or a pole-dancing one).

on the emotional front:

i'm still pretty shaken up about this whole past month. a lot of changes are taking place, and i'm having to make a lot of grown up decisions, which is always scary.

i just recently realized that my whole life i've been convinced that being happy will bring about disaster. like, if i just relax and breathe and believe/feel/know that everything is ok - someone will die, or my apartment will burn down, or something. going through life always expecting the worst isn't really all that fun (i'm realizing). it's also going to be a hard mental block/emotion/belief to overcome - because risking feeling 'safe' means that i'm tempting fate, and the entire belief structure that i've known for 24 years. anyway, it's hard to explain, but i'm working through it which i think is good...

ok, Mr. Roomba and me I are tired. time for some sleep...


gratuitous (old) picture of Bean. i keep it on my desk and smile every time i see it.

c'mon karma, didn't you know I was kidding?

yesterday I told karma to suck it. probably a bad idea.

today i kind of want to rub karma with sandpaper and then dunk it in salt-water. the stingy kind. i want to make karma pay.

last night i had a miscarriage. the reason my brain has been dead the past couple weeks? i was pregnant. only 3 weeks along, and still totally freaked out/not sure what i was going to do/feeling like crap pregnant, but still. karma didn't have to come and take my baby away. it could have let me decide for myself what i wanted, couldn't it?

backstory: three weeks ago i took Plan B. two days ago (monday) I went in to get an IUD inserted, and they told me I was pregnant. Shock and crying and excitement and every other freaking emotion followed. last night, after a lovely dinner of spaghetti carbonara and roma tomato/basil/mozzarella salad, i started bleeding. lots and lots of heavy bleeding for a couple of hours. lots and lots of heavy crying as well. went in to the doctor today - and i'm not pregnant anymore.

my doctor told me that Plan B works by keeping you from ovulating, and it does this by giving you a million times the hormones you usually have. It says that it doesn't harm the embryo/fetus/whatever if ovulation does occur - and many women go on to have perfectly normal pregnancies.

however, my doctor said that what it does do is make it very, very hard for the embryo to implant. sometimes you still get a positive pregnancy test, if the embryo implants partway, or just hangs out really close to your uterine wall. then you still produce the HGC pregnancy hormone and your test is positive. she believes that was the case with me.

it was a relief to hear that she didn't think it had anything to do with my fertility, or anything that I had done 'wrong', and i feel better today than I did last night. i think i'm in the numb stage of grief? denial? i'm definitely not angry, just kind of floaty, and sad, and wondering why the hell so many crazy things have been happening lately.

i also don't really know who to tell, or what to tell them. i feel like 3 weeks pregnant shouldn't be that big of a deal, and I didn't even know if i wanted it anyway. but to have it taken away is just kind of....hard. and i don't know how well i can really function at work, and at school, and at my other side job, and my internship right now. it's all a little bit much to handle.

guess you shouldn't fuck with karma.

my brain is dead.

not sure what killed it. or maybe i'm not telling. at any rate, all of my attempts to be productive at work today have been thwarted by my stupid, tired brain, and multiple distractions.

IM is one, twitter another, and google reader? let's not even talk about it. so what's a girl to do? my solution is to use the old 'looking busy' trick. make sure to have an excel spreadsheet or two up, and every time my boss walks by I put on my best stressed out face. I doubt it's working, but oh well. I can't be awesome every day.

also, i would KILL for a diet coke right now. or a cup of coffee. or six. i'm just saying, i'm a little bit crazy tired.

on a lighter note, in a few hours (when they set me free of this place) I get to go to a twins game! I don't even know who they're playing, because I'm lame like that, but it will be fun. I love baseball games. actually, I love most live sporting events. the crowds, the food, the action - it's all good. except football, that's just dumb.

let's talk about karma, shall we?

today I have gotten not one, not two, but six calls from people that want to interview me. this comes after spending months and months and months sending out resumes and never really hearing back - but today they all call. it's crazy!

i'm hoping that this is good karma, but when you think about it - karma chooses the day my brain dies to have everyone call me? so as I stutter along and try to remember my own name i really start to wonder if karma is less like my best friend, and more like that girl in high school that smiled and nodded as she texted all her friends about how stupid you are. i'm just saying.

ok, my boss just totally caught me blogging. it's official - karma hates me.


suck it, karma.