angry.

i'm so angry today. all bottled up frustration and self hate and crabbiness. i want a new job, new friends, new clothes, new life. i need a change - a big one. not a new haircut, or new shoes, or a vacation. i need to turn this ship around and actually do something with my life.

taking that first step is the hardest though. when that change is so big, so scary, so unknown. it's hard to realize that you need to take it slow, one step at a time, one small change at a time that will gradually lead up to the larger change that you want.

my instinct is to quit my job, run for the hills, give away everything i own. spend all of my recently scrimped and saved money because fuck it, i don't have what i want and who says i ever will. besides, even when i save and save it all gets stolen - taken away in a minute - and who knows if it will be replaced.

i had a hard critique in class on tuesday. i don't know if it was really bad, or my brain just made it seem that way. i was really proud of my project, really excited about it - and compared to everyone else's it just seemed ordinary. after the critique i wanted to drop out completely. what's the point of this dream of becoming a graphic designer if i'm not any good? no one is raving over my designs, no one is clamoring to hire me, and i feel like a failure. i really don't want to go to class today.

speaking of failures, my diet is not going well. i start out in the morning well, with my weight control oatmeal and fresh blueberries. i drink diet soda all day, and coffee if i need a pick me up. but right around lunchtime i lose control and have a billion candy bars, or two lunches, etc. dinner is worse - i've been eating out most nights, chinese or vietnamese. food just makes me feel better - but then i go to the gym and step on the scale and ugh.

i just want to take control of my life. fix all these nagging things that are making my life just a little bit worse - and add up to make my life nothing like what i want. i want to be a freelance graphic designer, whose house is clean and cute and who dresses well and always looks nice and goes to the gym and weighs fifteen pounds less. who can wrangle her cat into not biting her and eats right and makes enough money to be safe and happy. who can go to work from home and meet clients for coffee and has the self confidence to put her life on track. or heck, just someone who gets out of bed in the morning and does something more than surf the web all day - that would be nice.