once a week blogger...

apparently i can only post once a week. oh well.

new bean pictures for you!
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do you see the cuteness?


either love-y or plotting....


love is.....a sink and a nap


"why'd you wake me up?"

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the job is still going well. so far no one seems to be disappointed in what i'm doing - and i've gotten compliments on some of my poster designs, so that's good! i've also acquired 4 free boxes of cereal in 7 work days. if this keeps up i may never eat anything else again!

I dress like this now: pretty fancy, eh?

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i feel like i'm in a whirlwind lately. i'm truly happy about my new job and everything else that's been happening - but every so often i get flashes of intense sadness. it's almost like homesickness, but i have no idea what i'm homesick for. i think it's just the uneasiness of everything changing all at once, and having nothing to grab onto. no safety blanket.

i need to go work out. but i always feel like sleep is more important....

i think i'm working too much - i work until 4:30 every day, and then come home and work on freelance work until i go to sleep. i haven't been seeing friends (except the boy), and i think it's wearing on me. i've found that no matter how many happy things are happening to you - they don't seem as happy when you have no one to celebrate them with. you know?

.........................

ok, time to pack for the gym and try to get some sleep.

labor day weekend/updates

update:

i started my new job on monday, and so far i'm loving it. the people i work with are great, i get to design! things! all! day!, and my workplace is amazing. there's a caribou coffee, a d'amico and sons, a free fitness center, a huge cafeteria (with an amazing salad bar), a doctor/dentist on site...i could go on forever. it's a far cry from an office of 5, let me tell ya.

i'm still in the honeymoon phase, i know, and i know that i will be challenged with the work. it's mostly designing powerpoint presentations on demand, in front of people - so i've been trying to brush up on my powerpoint skills as fast as possible. the guys i work with have been great so far though. i also get a sweet 30" monitor, and a whole bunch of other cool stuff that i haven't even really delved into yet, like subscriptions to photo and animation sites, a dvd library of images and video, etc. etc.

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labor day weekend pics:

the boy and i went up to the north shore way back at the beginning of september, just a few miles south of grand marais. we got a cute little room, with a private deck overlooking the lake, and spent our time hiking, kayaking, eating, and smiling. so fun!
me, playing in a river near a waterfall


us, on a hike


us, with our coffee cups, on our private deck

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in other news:

bean is very happy these days. the boy and i gave him a bath the other day b/c he was getting a little stinky, and since then he's been all soft and shiny and happy. still bitey though. i keep threatening him with this:


hee hee!

my brain is dead.

not sure what killed it. or maybe i'm not telling. at any rate, all of my attempts to be productive at work today have been thwarted by my stupid, tired brain, and multiple distractions.

IM is one, twitter another, and google reader? let's not even talk about it. so what's a girl to do? my solution is to use the old 'looking busy' trick. make sure to have an excel spreadsheet or two up, and every time my boss walks by I put on my best stressed out face. I doubt it's working, but oh well. I can't be awesome every day.

also, i would KILL for a diet coke right now. or a cup of coffee. or six. i'm just saying, i'm a little bit crazy tired.

on a lighter note, in a few hours (when they set me free of this place) I get to go to a twins game! I don't even know who they're playing, because I'm lame like that, but it will be fun. I love baseball games. actually, I love most live sporting events. the crowds, the food, the action - it's all good. except football, that's just dumb.

let's talk about karma, shall we?

today I have gotten not one, not two, but six calls from people that want to interview me. this comes after spending months and months and months sending out resumes and never really hearing back - but today they all call. it's crazy!

i'm hoping that this is good karma, but when you think about it - karma chooses the day my brain dies to have everyone call me? so as I stutter along and try to remember my own name i really start to wonder if karma is less like my best friend, and more like that girl in high school that smiled and nodded as she texted all her friends about how stupid you are. i'm just saying.

ok, my boss just totally caught me blogging. it's official - karma hates me.


suck it, karma.

in a rut.

Sorry for the lack of blog posts. it's because I currently look like this:

i promise that as soon as I can get my head to stop swirling (and get that freaking scary double triple chin to go away) I will be posting more.

To give you an idea of what my brain is like lately: I woke up at 4:30 this morning, and in order to go back to sleep I made a list over 30 items long of everything that I was worrying about. Go me. Things on that list include:

• Work harder at work to prove to my boss that I'm a good employee so that I don't lose my job.
• Figure out what is giving me constant daily migraines.
• Work out more.
• Eat less.
• Clean my house/buy groceries/clean the catbox/brush my cat/etc. and so on.
• Figure out how to cram two interships into my already busy schedule.
• But my friend a shower present/attend said shower without embarrassing her or myself (she's very religious - ack!)
• A bunch of emails that I've been meaning to send but never have time.
• Get my computer fixed so that the delete key works all the time instead of some of the time.
  

Ok, blogging was also on that list - but I guess this counts as a post. One thing to cross off!

receptionist woes.

Today my boss asks me for directions. Ok -- Google Maps baby, I'm on it. 5 seconds later, he's standing in front of my desk - 'Where are those directions?'.

Umm..I haven't really even opened the browser yet...

Needless to say, I brought them up, rattled off the directions at top speed, and he was out the door.

I call after - 'Wait, can I print them out for you??'

His reply: 'No, I've got it'

................

Cut to 30 minutes later - my phone rings.

He starts screaming roads at me. How far is this place from 14? How long should I be on road X? Am I East or West of X? Why don't you know these things?!?! Rapid fire directions that mean nothing to me, as I frantically pull out the paper I printed up and bring up Google Maps again.

'Oh, you took a wrong turn at X, you've gone too far' - I say.

'Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck fuck - you suck at life' - paraphrase of what he said.

..........

These are the days I hate my job. I try and try to be good at this job, I really do. But I am not a human map. I am not a human calculator. I am not the human equivalent of the internet in a perfect world - with all of the information that you need less than .5 seconds away if you just yell. loud. enough. I'm sorry, I'm not.

I wish I had a thicker skin - so this stuff would just bounce off. But it's almost 11:00 and I'm still thinking about it. Oh well.

Another Bean picture will cheer me up!



Goodnight!

bitch-face.

i'm trying something new. i don't know what to call it. something like 'bitch on wheels', 'girl with a devil-may-care attitude' - along those lines anyway.

i am sick and tired of caring so much about what other people think! i spend probably 95% of my life, my time, worrying about what my parents think, what my grandparents think, what my boss thinks, what my coworkers think, what my boyfriend thinks, what my friends think. and you know what? it's exhausting.

i figure that the amount of time that all of those people spend worrying about how i feel? i would guess less than 0.1%. not that any of them are bad people - they're really not - i just think that i spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about what other people want/need/feel - and i tend to attract people that like that in other people. (i think that makes sense)

i don't think that i've always been this way. i used to not care/think about other people much. i was a huge bitch in high school - in the sense that everyone knew my name and what i was about. but me? totally oblivious. i see people from high school all the time these days, and it's not like i just don't remember their names - i never knew them. that makes me feel bad. but not anymore!

so yeah, a new me? maybe. like i said, i'm just tired of being tired. tired of being sad and feeling lonely. so it seems i need to restructure my thinking. i'll keep you posted.

in other news: new header coming tonight! it fits the theme of telling a random fact about me. happy july 1st everyone you.


rawr. the new (fierce) me. well, that's actually an old picture - but you 'get the picture'.

alumni.

i got my park scholar alumni catalog today. the park scholars are a group of scholarship recipients at ithaca college, where i got my undergrad degree. it's a sweet scholarship - totally full ride. they pay your tuition, a stipend for rent, food, books, and even pay for a computer your freshman year. it's truly amazing - and i'm still trying to figure out why i got it. going to an art high school helped, and being first in my class - but i always felt way out of my league with the people in that group.

which leads me to the alumni catalog. i dread it. i loathe it. every year i get one, and contemplate just throwing it away without opening it.

don't get me wrong - i didn't have any enemies there, and i am interested in what people are up to. here's my problem: it makes me feel like a complete and total loser. because the people from that group? they're out in the world, moving and shaking. one writes for a big name magazine, one is on the abc morning news in Syracuse. some of my friends from the group are writers, or getting a law degree, or in medical school, or producing films. big films.

seriously? you know my biggest accomplishment in the last year? hmmmm.......let's see. i got a cat. i paid off my credit card. i didn't kill my boss.

i'm a receptionist. i answer phones. i'm also borderline mentally ill, and have a hard time just getting through the day - much less changing the freaking world. what happened to me? what did those judges see in me - fresh out of high school - that made them think i belonged in a group of kids that deserved a free ride?

so, at this point, i still open the darn thing. i was a little bit happier this time, because the layout and typography sucked. ha! that's one thing i can do - i could layout that damn brochure better than whatever student they have doing it. go me!

but seriously - should i be upset about this? is it unrealistic to think that i should be changing the world right now? and if it is unrealistic - why are they? i feel like i missed that day in class - the day where they gave you the secrets to following your dreams without having a nervous breakdown.

eh, oh well. there's always next year.

angry.

i'm so angry today. all bottled up frustration and self hate and crabbiness. i want a new job, new friends, new clothes, new life. i need a change - a big one. not a new haircut, or new shoes, or a vacation. i need to turn this ship around and actually do something with my life.

taking that first step is the hardest though. when that change is so big, so scary, so unknown. it's hard to realize that you need to take it slow, one step at a time, one small change at a time that will gradually lead up to the larger change that you want.

my instinct is to quit my job, run for the hills, give away everything i own. spend all of my recently scrimped and saved money because fuck it, i don't have what i want and who says i ever will. besides, even when i save and save it all gets stolen - taken away in a minute - and who knows if it will be replaced.

i had a hard critique in class on tuesday. i don't know if it was really bad, or my brain just made it seem that way. i was really proud of my project, really excited about it - and compared to everyone else's it just seemed ordinary. after the critique i wanted to drop out completely. what's the point of this dream of becoming a graphic designer if i'm not any good? no one is raving over my designs, no one is clamoring to hire me, and i feel like a failure. i really don't want to go to class today.

speaking of failures, my diet is not going well. i start out in the morning well, with my weight control oatmeal and fresh blueberries. i drink diet soda all day, and coffee if i need a pick me up. but right around lunchtime i lose control and have a billion candy bars, or two lunches, etc. dinner is worse - i've been eating out most nights, chinese or vietnamese. food just makes me feel better - but then i go to the gym and step on the scale and ugh.

i just want to take control of my life. fix all these nagging things that are making my life just a little bit worse - and add up to make my life nothing like what i want. i want to be a freelance graphic designer, whose house is clean and cute and who dresses well and always looks nice and goes to the gym and weighs fifteen pounds less. who can wrangle her cat into not biting her and eats right and makes enough money to be safe and happy. who can go to work from home and meet clients for coffee and has the self confidence to put her life on track. or heck, just someone who gets out of bed in the morning and does something more than surf the web all day - that would be nice.

just a tuesday.

well, it's tuesday. work has been - awkward today. some pretty shady stuff has been going on lately, and i'm having a really hard time aligning work me with real life me, but i guess that's all i can say about that. i'm working on a new idea for this blog - it has to do with a book i'm reading, and work stuff - but i want to get permission first. hopefully soon!

as promised - here are some of the spreads from my recently finished eggcup catalog. hopefully i'll have it all mocked up soon, so that i can take some decent portfolio pictures. anyway, here goes.

(sorry, took out the pictures b/c they were being annoying)

i know that the image quality is bad - you'll just have to wait until i get everything uploaded to my portfolio site, sorry! but all in all, i think it turned out really great - big thanks in part to the guy that helped with the illustrations. :) (i mean, i totally drew them - totally!)

in other news - my grandpa was on the news - kstp to be exact. you can view him here. he is just too cute not to watch, trust me on this one. i was so proud of myself today because i managed to get that video off the web and burn it to a dvd - which i'm sure is illegal, but seriously abc - i'm supposed to pay $45 for a minute long clip? no thanks. so now he can have a copy - because the annoying guy who made the piece just can't seem to understand that 87 year olds? don't. have. internet. really, they don't. no really, they don't! so i saved the day again - go me.

anyone interested in hearing about my love life? anyone? well, here's the vague rundown. i'm kind of seeing this guy who is kind of into me, but never ever wants to make a commitment it serious and will never, ever be in love with me. i've been kind of seeing this guy for about a year and a half.

what the f$*# is wrong with you? - you may be saying. well, i'm not sure. lots of things, probably - but the truth of the matter is that he's a really nice guy. we have lots of fun together, and we're very close.

so part of this kind of seeing each other deal is that we can see other people. and i've discovered that i'm the worst girl dater ever. is dater a word? you know what i mean. i use okcupid - and here is my pattern:

1. find a guy i think is cute.
2. woo him or message him.
3. when he writes back, write back at least once, maybe twice.
4. completely stop all contact (this has nothing to do with him of course, i just lose interest or get freaked out or something).
5. occasionally i will go on a date, then -
   
6. stop all contact.

i've done this at least 6 times in the past year. i'm always teasing thesinglesister that she gets way more dates than me - well it's no wonder, right? i think i just have a hard time with the online dating scene. it seems too forced - i want romance. i want to meet a guy in a dimly lit bar, drink vodka shots until i'm almost puking, and then have a drunken one night stand that turns into a four-year relationship. romance, people!

no, i'm kidding. i don't know what the deal is. my therapist would say that i'm with the current guy because he's safe - he'll never fall in love with me. which may be true. maybe i really, deep down, want to be single forever? who knows. i'm only 23.

ok, that's my day. eggcups, work and ramblings about love. i had a heath bar too - yum.

mini rants and mini loves.

lets have a mini-story day!

rants:
my cell phone broke today. i have a motorola razor, and one of the screws holding on the top portion fell out a week ago. today, the lcd screen doesn't work. so i call up t-mobile, and they say it's 'physical damage' aka 'my fault'. screw them. so i ordered a $10 phone to replace it (i am so done with razors) and they charge me an $18 'rape you' 'upgrade fee'! seriously? i hate you t-mobile.

(work rant deleted to protect...myself - I really wanted to leave it in, but I just can't. sigh.)

i'm frustrated with myself, because I can't stick to my diet. i spent yesterday making a big salad to take to work for lunches all week, packed myself a healthy breakfast - the whole works. I did workout this morning, which is good, but then ate a plateful of pub mix - which is probably like a billion calories. plus, i'm doing homework at a coffee place tonight, which = calorie-laden caffeinated drinks and probably lots of food as well. aargh!

loves:
one of my favorite things is to see rain in the distance. what i mean is - it's not raining on you - but you can see the rain falling from the clouds. i had the opportunity to see that on the backdrop of a stunning bright-pink sunset last night on my way home from the grandparents - and it was delightful.

i'm really liking the way my eggcup catalog/homework is shaping up - i'll have to post a spread or two tonight when it's all! finished!

i never, ever get zits (and yes, you can hate me). however, when I do get one of those deep down zits that just won't pop - one of my guilty pleasures is to pop it with an exacto razor blade. totally gross, I know - but the satisfaction of making that tiny cut and have everything come out? oh my god - it's like porn for me. totally popped a 6-month old zit on my lip last night. awesome.


well, now that you've all run screaming - I think I'll sign off. hoping i can get through the next 3 hours without anything too scary happening - and then get my homework done quickly. keep your fingers crossed.

wake up!

c'mon brain, you can do it. just start small - maybe a color. pick one color that you really, really like. is that so much to ask? then maybe, just maybe - give me a hint on a font. Not even a specific font, let's just say serif or sans-serif, or script maybe? now we've got the ball rolling. how about some images? maybe a layout? is that too much to ask?

i've been asking my brain these questions for 2 weeks now - trying to get this catalog homework assignment done. i have the photographs, and i really like them - but that's it. i have NO IDEAS. none. zip. zilch. stick that in your design cliche and smoke it, asshat.

ok, that didn't make sense - but not much is the past few days. all i do at work is stare at my computer screen, and all i do at home is stare at my tv screen. screens are overtaking my life, and apparently my creativity. i'm not even all that interested in anything else. talking to friends? eh. going outside? no thanks. cooking? no way. drinking? well, always....

so yeah, not much to report. it's hard to be witty or interesting when all you do all day is look at what other witty, clever, and inspiring people are doing. i need some motivation, peeps! maybe i'll pick up and sail around the world, or get a new puppy, or run a marathon or get a freaking life. i'll keep you posted.

oh, also? it's 84 degrees in my office today. and my boss won't let us turn on the air. seriously? because dying of heatstroke is sure to make your workplace environment more productive.